Normal

The Friday after our miscarriage (November 27th), Jon decided that we should go out and get our Christmas Tree. He knows how much I love decorating the tree and usually I am the one pushing everyone out the door to get the tree as early as possible! I think he knew that I didn't have the energy or the drive to make it happen, but knew that doing it would bring me joy, so he literally bundled both Q and I up and ushered us out the door. I was glad he did, it was a good distraction and fun to do something "normal". As the minutes, days, went by I kept telling myself that doing "normal" things is good. That I need to get up, and show up, even if I feel like hiding. In this time, when it was so fresh, people would ask me "how are you doing?" and my response would be "I'm okay. It comes in waves". Which was true, in some ways - I would do "normal" things and there were moments that felt harder than others - but for the most part, the most honest answer was that it didn't come in waves. It was constant. As I look back on these pictures from two months ago that I am finally getting around to putting up, I am reminded of how constant it was. This was a really fun evening with my family, walking around the Christmas Tree Farm. I am so glad that Jon got us out do to this. Q loved it too, picking out trees that she wanted us to pick and happily running through the rows. But it took all of my focus and all of my energy to be present, to be there with them and enjoy it. Forcing your mind to stay sharp, to stay present, that isn't normal and that isn't waves. That is trying to not be consumed by the constant grief. I love Jon for taking the reigns and taking care of our family and gently leading me down the path of "normal". 

After much debate, we picked one! Jon and I have different opinions on what makes the perfect tree, and every year we disagree haha! But always, one will jump out at us finally and we will both agree. 

Q thought this whole process was quite awesome and she was right in there when Jon was cutting it down. What a cutie she is.

Love love love love them.

Cute toque that Ben's parents gave Q when we were in Grand Forks! 

Walking back towards the car

So the tree was huge. Bigger than we thought! I always pick giant trees and Jon talks me down and picks smaller ones. When he picked this one, I eagerly agreed because it was so beautiful, but still thought it would be "too small". Well, we have 10 ft ceilings in our house, and this tree was not that far from the roof. A solid 8 1/2 or 9 ft tree haha! It was big. And so perfectly shaped! This was the best tree we have ever picked out.

Setting up her very own nativity set. She would pull each piece out and ask me who they were and then repeat it "oh! This Mary! Oh! This Joseph! YAY! Baby Jesus!" Pretty cute. She arranged it exactly how she wanted it.

First ornament on the tree - a Canucks one. She picked it, and Jon was so proud haha. Watching her hang ornaments was the best. Im known for being a little insane about Tree decorating... both my brother and Jon have complained in the past that I "rearrange" the ornaments they have hung. I stand by the fact that I don't always do that, I just move the ones that aren't hanging well. But this year, I loved having a tree that had tons of ornaments near the bottom where she could reach, and not having them necessarily evenly spread out. It made me laugh seeing her hang them, how carefully she would do it and how she would pick a spot so precisely. She really is my daughter and my mini me. Yikes.

And the star! Always Jon's job!

Grocery shopping - she has to have her own cart and pushes it around and I have to put stuff in her cart. And I have to watch her like a hawk or else she also adds things to her cart. "Oh! We need this! I buy this and take it home" as she adding the most random things to the cart haha.

That Sunday we went to Disney Frozen on Ice in Vancouver. Neil bought Q tickets as a Christmas present and we knew she would love it! I wasn't feeling totally into it, and was, if I'm being honest, wishing we weren't going because all I wanted was to stay home. But we knew she would love it, so I shoved down my negative feelings, and kept moving forward with being normal. It was again the exact right thing to do. We had a great day together as a family.

Waiting for the doors to open! She was so pumped, wearing her Elsa dress and vibrating with excitement! Its hard to be negative when you see a small person so happy! All my anxieties melted away and I got caught up in her excitement.

Makenna was there with Care and Care's family, so the cousins got a brief hug before we headed in to our separate seats! Q was so excited to see Makenna, she squealed and ran right to her and Makenna picked her right up. Too cute!

Everything at the Merchandise booths were WAY to expensive! Neither Jon or I were willing to put out $30 or more for things she doesn't need, she already has so much Frozen everything! Then the sno-cone booth caught my eye - $15 sno-cones (what?! still the most expensive son-cone I've ever seen!!!) but they came in these cute cups that she could keep. So I caved and bought her that, and she was VERY pleased about it! And since then she has (and still continues too) use the cup a lot, so it was all good.

She was SO entranced the entire time, and sat so good in her seat!!!! We knew she would love it, but this was more than love. She was so into it the entire time! And the show was super well done, so it had both Jon and I engaged the whole time as well. Quinnlyn never ceases to amaze me in these types of situations. She is just so good and so easy to take places. It was fun to see her joy! Thank you Grandpa Neil for such a great present! She sure loved it. And so did Jon and I. It was a great day.