June 6th

Monday, June 6th was supposed to be our due date. We saw the date looming on the calendar (white out on that day, covering "DUE DATE!!!" That I wrote months ago), but didn't really talk about it. Jon asked if I would come to camp with him that day so that we would all be together. It was his staff's first day that day, so needed to be there. I've been feeling raw the last few weeks, thinking about what our life "would" have looked like at this point, and feeling pretty empty inside not being pregnant again by now. But for the most part, I just distract myself and do my best not to dwell on it. I can't change anything about this, but I can choose how I'm going to live and act and raise my daughter, who needs me to be present and content with her. I spent a few minutes in the morning holding onto this beautiful gift Mary bought me back at Christmastime, and just praying. It is crazy how much I can miss and ache for a baby that I never really knew. 

There's a song that I've been listening to on repeat for the past while called "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns and every single lyric of that song describes how I feel. There's one part that says:

"If your eyes are on the storm, you'll wonder if I love you still. But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will.

Not a tear is wasted, in time you'll understand. I'm painting beauty with the ashes, your life is in My hands.

When you're on your knees and answers seems so far away, you're not alone, stop holding on and just be held.

Your worlds not falling apart, it's falling into place. I'm on the throne stop holding on and just be held" 

That speaks volumes to me. When I am able to re focus my thoughts and rest in who Jesus is, my soul doesn't feel nearly as weary and I am able to remember and know that I am not alone and that I am immensely loved and not forgotten. I need to let go (of a lot of things, but mostly let go of my need to be in control of this situation, and let go of my pain) and just be held. 

Jon had staff meeting in the morning so Quinny and I spent some time at the park where she happily dug in the dirt and made castles and went down the slide. She saw Lisa walking towards us after the meeting and she squealed with delight and ran so fast right to her. Lisa picked her up and swung her around and kissed her cheek while Q giggled, and that moment filled my achey heart. This little girl of mine is so loved and she is such a gift so many people. God gave her to me knowing that I would need a girl as special as her and I am very grateful.

Mary texted me Sunday night to tell me that she was thinking of me, and then she texted again Monday morning to check in. We haven't talked about it much, she knows that I can't say a lot or else I just cry. So it meant a lot to me that she remembered on her own and made a point to tell me she loves me and is walking this with me. Shayna called too a while later, and I thanked the Lord once again for these beautiful friends of mine who are willing to stick it out with me even when it's uncomfortable. Quinny and I had a great morning by the beach, me reading a new book from Sharon and her playing in the water and building stuff. Such a gorgeous morning! So thankful for the sunshine!!!

Chris and Jenna are the Wildside staff this year, and it's so great to finally have them up here!! They are both going to be pretty great in these roles I think. After a full day of meetings and praying and walking around property talking about camp (both are brand new to Wildside, never been before!), Jon told them to grab life jackets and that they were going on the lake. They were pretty stoked about that, getting to do something fun and take a little break in the middle of the day. He's such a good boss, and could see that a lot of information had been thrown at them and they needed to digest it. Quinny grabbed her paddle and was desperate to come along and her dad of course let her. So she hopped in the front and off they went!

My sunburn was quite raw so I was avoiding sun at all costs, but it was fun to watch them. I love that she's not even 3 years old yet, but already she knows canoe rules and he can take her out on his own knowing that she will be totally fine. This is going to be a great summer

And this just made me smile - Brooke got a car for her birthday (which isn't until July but they got it early) and I was the first person she told!!! I love that! It's pretty awesome that we have been able to develop such a great relationship over the years and despite the distance! Love my baby cousin :) 

Family dinner at the Burdges! I ate with this gorgeous woman and as always, talking and laughing with her made me happy. Overall, the day was good. I was stronger than I thought I would be (no tears) and my heart felt okay. I am loved and not forgotten, and need to just be held.